My head is about to explode

I'm going to be honest, this whole planning for my future thing does not sit well with me at all. I am probably the worst person there is to plan for long-term commitments, my body just reacts against it. And I am aware of the fact that most of the headaches and the anguish arise from doubting myself. I truly believe that I am capable and ready of proceeding with the responsibility of handling a PhD workload and such, but I fear that those who judge won't feel the same way. So there's the part that gives me the biggest headache of all, and that is coming up with a back-up plan. A back-up plan, seriously? Yes.

So what do my back-up plans consist of? Since I am aiming for the stars going for the PhD, as usual, my best bet would be to apply to a masters program instead.
Now, it would probably be a good idea to explain the background of this whole ordeal. I am broke. The only way I can afford to go to school is if I am given a grant and/or fellowship through the institution that admits me to their program. Which is the reason why I am applying directly to a PhD program as opposed to applying to a masters and then proceeding towards the PhD. Now, most masters programs don't offer any sort of financial aid, which would entail me paying for that out of my own pocket or in the form of loans. Hence, I am avoiding this option at all costs. However, there is a masters program that is cheap and well-respected, in fact it is one of the best in my field, and where do you think this program is?
You guessed it, Puerto Rico.

Where should I begin to describe Puerto Rico? Let's just say that Puerto Rico is to me what kriptonite is to Superman. I am pretty sure this illustration suffices.
I wouldn't mind living in PR at all, as a matter of fact I would enjoy it very much. But I have changed a lot in the last couple of months and years, but some things from my past still remain the same. I don't want to deal with drama. I dislike this because no one gets in the way of what I desire. If anyone knows me, they will tell you that I have always, always, gotten what I have wanted. But I also don't step into the pit of what I do not want, and I certainly do not want negativity. Of course, none of this bullshit would stop me if in the end this were most beneficial to me. Everyone else would just have to suck it.

I have decisions to make, somehow I wish I could wave a wand and make it all alright.

You know how I feel? Like I am recovering from a lobotomy. Seriously, my head is about to explode.